Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
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I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
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If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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