just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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