Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
