you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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