break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
