At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My ass is underappreciated
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
