Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
