my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
