I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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