she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
