My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
