fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i think i have herpe
just one?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
