What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
