So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
