If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
