my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
