I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
