Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
