Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
