Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
