the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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