well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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