i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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