The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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