doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
