Actions speak louder than pants.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
