dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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