I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sext me about skeletons
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
