It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
