A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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