I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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