Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
