Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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