Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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