Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
