I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
