At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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