she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
