I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
