Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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