So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
