dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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