Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize