Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
