??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What a dumb baby whore.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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