i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They took my balls.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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