I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
