I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
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My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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