There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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