Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
