God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
