I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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