God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
