I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
