In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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