i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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