I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
