i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
