so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
