Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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